Humiliation Eh?

The emergence of my own awareness has allowed me retrospection of past events that induced my feelings of embarrassment or humiliation – that feeling of being ‘less than’.

The fact that such feeling can trigger physical response of flushed face, quaking nervous system and the sweat factor is evidence of just how much I allowed it to affect me and how it made my feelings tangible.

The fact is that I judged and reduced myself because of someone else’s judgment of me.

Well – what is up with that?

In its very simplicity I willingly gave my power to someone else. I allowed their perspective of me in that moment, affect who I was. And I altered myself based on that.

As a human, I always seemed to be striving to be someone for some one else, to act accordingly and be validated and well, liked by others – even though, it may not have been who I wanted or knew myself to be.

That concept, that response, that action drained my Power supply.

Or so it seemed.

The remedy, the healing, the restored Power comes from one source and only one source.

Me.

How?

Via a simple choice to shift a belief structure that I must adapt to the judgment of others - to one of knowing that who I am in any moment is O.K.

The Question


The question then becomes why am I content to leave talents and abilities beneath the clouds of my mind?

Why do I not take them out to play? Have I chosen the serious over the humourous in life? Am I that driven?

I can tell you why in four letters: F E A R

Fear slams the lid on fun. Back to the Belief Structures, the acronym of which is - you guessed it – B. S.

I believe that based on the reputation that I have created, I do not want to appear ... well silly.

I want to be ‘in control’ and to look as if I am doing exactly what I ‘should’ be doing. That B.S. came from my childhood when the sting of humiliation from the laughter of others at what I felt was my expense crept into my very soul.

Not something that I want to feel again – so I make every effort, unconscious or otherwise, to lessen the probability.

How?

By shutting down; but reducing myself, but not allowing play to be an integral part of my life.

Again with the why – so my tombstone can read – Jen Parkinson Dead Serious ? J

Drop the charade.

Encourage.

Experience.

Enjoy.

Expand.